Keeping my promises

I did something tonight I probably shouldn’t have, but I wanted to see if my emotions had changed around a difficult situation I’d experienced. I looked at a conversation with a former friend, someone I stopped speaking to out of the blue during a really difficult time due to their relation to another I’d had a falling out with. They’d been generally supportive and honest with me, and I’d just left.

At the time, I was worried remaining friends with them would complicate their relationship. I didn’t want them to experience any kind of grief from continuing to talk to me, but instead of telling them how I felt like a responsible person, I just left. That was in 2021.

I got the urge to reach out and apologize tonight — to let them know that I understood if they were angry with me or never wanted to hear from me again. I’d understand the hurt that had likely arisen because I just disappeared without any further communication. That was wrong of me and there’s no excuse for it.

I hesitated, and then decided it might be better not to reach out. It’s been more than a few years. Still, I left our private messages in my Discord inbox. I couldn’t delete them. There’s still a desire within me to reach out again, but the fear of complicating their life by being in it is also there. Their spouse really dislikes me due to a falling out — because of a really messy situation I royally fucked up. It’s so complicated.

I miss our conversations, though. They were always kind but real with me, and we had started to talk more about writing. They were a good friend and liked long complex conversations that I don’t get to have with many, and every time I remember them I grow frustrated with myself.

At the time, I’d been spiraling from CPTSD symptoms and a huge loss, which I was partly responsible for. I was in the thick of it and, honestly, acted out in some really shameful and inappropriate ways. I couldn't think straight and my emotions took the wheel, and when I look back on it now, I know what I should have done differently. I can see now, as my trauma therapist helped me understand, that CPTSD was putting a blindfold over my eyes and I was living in a moment that no longer existed. I perceived threats and abandonment everywhere I looked because I was living, again, in a time that had long passed, and I wasn’t aware of it.

I’ve done a lot of work over the years and I’ve matured emotionally. I’ve kept the promise I made; I’ve truly worked hard to be a better person, and I’ve come a long way from the mess that I was in 2021. My trauma therapist said I’ve made progress and I’m doing great work as well. I’ve been determined to never let my CPTSD affect anyone ever again, and I feel I’m finally there. I’ve gotten better about how I speak and how I word things, and I’m more careful about online interactions.

I’ve noticed that I’ve become more detached, though. My emotions tend to flatline when I don’t want them to, and my responses sometimes feel robotic, like I’m saying what I feel I should say, rather than what I want to really say (which isn’t anything bad). I’ve stifled myself a lot and who I am out of fear of experiencing more loss. I’ve generally assumed who I am isn’t likeable or acceptable, so I’ve just become a sort of robot sometimes. I can’t really even feel my more difficult emotions anymore, except through writing fiction.

Very few see the real me anymore. The me that talks freely and laughs and gets excited about things. The me that rambles on about what I’m interested in, or the me that is into such weird things that I get super passionate about. I feel to be honest or to show myself to others is to risk being shunned or to risk making a mistake, but I’m getting better.

I do a lot of self-checks. Every time I post something I double check and have developed an OCD to be sure what I said was okay and acceptable and not offensive. Sometimes I get stuck rereading the same drafted post over and over and over again, paranoid I’m missing some mistake somewhere; anxious that I’m going to screw up again and someone’s going to get upset with me.

It’s a trauma response I can’t shake and I know that, and I’m still working through things in therapy. People around me have seen the progress I’ve made, and they’re still by my side because they believed in me. They believed I could do better when I said I would. And I genuinely have.

I know keeping a promise to those who have shut me out for good — which is their right — may be a bit pointless. They didn’t believe I could change, so they likely wouldn’t trust that I have anyway. And the friend I left behind, who had been so supportive, would they even trust me again? I could find out, but again, would I just be causing more harm than good?

Sometimes the right answer isn’t an easy one, or I’m too emotional to see it. All I can do is keep moving forward — keep evolving and becoming better. I will do better because I have to do better; for the sake of those I love, who have stuck by me even through my worst days. I want to be worthy of love — especially of the love my closest friends have given me.

I want to keep healing from so many years of repeated traumas; from the bullies that destroyed my life when I was a child, from the sexual assaults, from the abuses, and from the agoraphobia I’d developed because of a lot of it. I don’t want this shit to get to me anymore. I don’t want my abusers to win anymore. I don’t want to keep living in the past.

And you know? I’m almost there. I’ve been having some good days. I’m walking again when I can. I’m trying to reach out to people more instead of being emotionally and physically distant due to chosen isolation. The good feelings may not be all there yet, I’m still struggling to trust others or even feel love anymore, but I hope that I will again.

And I’m going to keep trying until I do.

©2025 Shane Blackheart