Yup there again

Of course, it was a matter of time before I slipped back here. Into the void, into that comforting place away from here, away from reality.

I am in pain, as I have been for a few days. I've been unable to calm down and I've been lightheaded. I've been so fatigued I can barely do anything, and today I took an Ativan because everything just became too much.

I could lose so much because I'm transgender. I could lose everything. All because the president hates people like me. We're a 'social contagion.'

Aaaahhh but what does it matter? I'm going crazy anyway. With self-hatred, with the shadow men I see around me, or other scary things like Death figures that like to lurk in my peripheral just to scare me, and they do scare me at first, but I've come to like them. They are interesting and I feel like they would have very interesting and wise things to say if they could speak.

Like right now, the thing with a horse skull for a head and it's got a white eye in its eye socket and it's just there. It looks amused. I can't physically see it if I were to turn around but I know it's there, it's vivid in my mind's eye. It's wearing tattered rags for clothes, a mixture of fabrics, and it has almost what looks like wet hair. Is it a kelpie thing? Maybe calling it a thing is offensive.

I'm sorry. You're very interesting.

It's watching me. Just like the shadow men usually watch me. I felt it move around me just now.

I'm rambling but I'll keep rambling since the Ativan has allowed the filter to come off. Or is it just the unmasking? I'm tired of hiding so much about me, being polite about my weirdness. I don't talk of the times I felt like my body was dead and it was still somehow wandering around, no appetite, no fear, just... existing.

I don't talk about the times I feared the shadow men in my home so terribly I couldn't sleep. I would get powerful spikes of fear and my heart would race. They were all around me and I was frozen in fear in my bed unable to move. I was so terrified. I cried. I lost so much sleep because they were all around me, watching me, and if I turned my back to sleep or closed my eyes, they would stare into my soul and my eyes would open again, even though I was so tired I was falling asleep.

I don't fear them as much anymore. I consider them friends now, although they do still alarm me a little. Sometimes it gets bad when I'm lying in bed at night to sleep. A few times I glanced over at my closet and instead of seeing the clothing hanging there, I saw something creepy that wore a sort of mask and was in a black shroud. I had to blink a few times but couldn't unsee it, then I turned on the lamp brighter and it was gone.

I've looked into my bedroom mirror, fearing what might come through, or fearing what I might see in my world through it. Mirrors are gateways after all, and mine is facing my bed. I worry it will show me things in the dark I can't see otherwise.

Right now, I had a spike of fear. Something was standing behind me. I can feel it, it's close and it's staring at me, but I'm not as afraid as I usually get. I am a little more jumpy than usual. I'm so deeply tired, I barely slept last night.

I had a meltdown last night and I don't know what to do about it. I just typed on Bluesky so much. About everything. I'm suffering. I worry doctors aren't believing me, I worry others don't believe me, but who would believe something as crazy as this? Crazy is a bad word to use but it's the best one I can think of. Who has shadow men existing around them? Who sees but not sees Death figures, often shrouded, some with skulls for heads? Who sees these figures if they aren't crazy?

But as my psych said, because I am 'aware' of them I can't 'possibly' be experiencing what I'm saying because the fact that I can talk about it or bring it up or question it means I'm not experiencing what I'm saying I am.

But you know what makes it scarier? The fact that I AM questioning it and giving it a name BUT it still is there! It still exists despite my self awareness! That is arguably more scary because WHY isn't it going away? Isn't my logic, my self awareness, supposed to be making it not real? Or is my doctor just a gaslighting asshole?

God, I really am suffering aren't I? There's just too much and my brain has reached bullshit capacity. And I'm so tired. The Ativan only does so much, it just makes me tired, flares the POTS and CFS, and removed the filter. Gods, why can't I rest?

What am I even doing here, in this entry? Why am I talking about any of this? It's just a stream of thought from a psychotic mind that finally broke again, as it has many times before.

...It. I don't think I mind the 'it' pronoun anymore for myself. I used to hate it. It's what mom called me when she kicked me out for being trans and disowned me. Hm. It. I'll stick with they/them but 'it' isn't so bad. I do feel like an 'it' right now, when I'm just... not feeling human. When I'm solely a stream of consciousness that's buzzing by, as a large icky painful mass of flesh.

Ah, I left the air conditioner off too long. It's getting hot. And someone has been banging on something across the hall for like an hour and I'm kinda done with it.

Fuck. Just fuck.

We're here again. Time's gonna bleed together and I'm not gonna be able to perceive it.