The Palatable Suffering

Abled, cisgender leftists like to champion causes. They’ll yell at others for not being inclusive enough. They’ll advocate for disability equal rights, trans rights, and they’ll talk about these issues to ‘raise awareness.’

Yet, when a trans person or disabled person is crying out for help, the loudest allies scroll past.

Many leftists love the idea of championing a better more equal world. They love the way it feels to say they're an ally, or they support this or that. But when it comes time to put action behind their words, they are fucking silent.

I’m sorry my suffering as a disabled trans person isn’t pretty enough. I’m sorry my pain makes you uncomfortable. I’m sorry my cries for help are just too much for you so you have to unfollow or mute for your mental health.

I’m sorry I’m not the perfect, cute disabled trans person who just really wants some help, but it’s okay if you can’t ^_^; no really your support means a lot and you’re such a good ally ^.^ I’ll stay positive and keep my head up high, don’t you worry. Everything will be okay because happiness is a choice! Yuppers :3 All this pain I feel will just get better with meditation and mindfulness, and I’ll always be there to pat good allies on the back cuz if I’m too angry it might make them uncomfy :DDD I can make it work! I’ll just squirt some months-old ketchup on expired bread heels and eat that because hey, I needed to lose weight anyway and life is what you make of it *_*

Is that what allies want? Will that make them feel better? Is that sensitive enough for them?

Fuck that. I’m tired of reigning in my anger. I’m tired of stifling myself, my pain, and my words just to be palatable for others. I’m tired of searching for ways to balance my social media posts so I will be acceptable to abled people and trans allies. I’m tired of fearing the loss of followers or friends online just because I’m in so much pain that I finally have to say something because I’ve been bottling it up inside, hoping it will eventually recede.

Every single stable ally, every ally living comfortably, who chooses to ignore the cries of those they love to say they support are complicit in the genocide of trans and disabled people. I know you’ve heard that quote before; “First, they came for…”

Silence is dangerous. Saying ‘not my problem’ when the suffering isn’t palatable enough for you is dangerous. Abandoning disabled and trans people when their suffering is too great is deadly.

Many leftists are leftists only in name. Many think typing out a strongly worded post and then patting themselves on the back is enough. Many leftists do not mask when they are sick. Many leftists do not share the posts of trans and disabled people requesting aid. Most of my disagreements/being shut down have been with cis/het/abled ‘allies’ who think they know more than me or who try to give me some rallying cry like they’re in charge and I couldn’t have possibly considered any of that!

I’ve had big names in indie publishing not even give the respect to respond to me directly when I beg them to understand that Amazon is the most accessible store for many disabled people who have very little, who are homebound, who don’t drive, who need that discounted membership ($7-$8/month) that is offered for people on Medicaid and food stamps to afford necessities. I get yelled at, dismissed, or told I’m making excuses. Again, by able-bodied fucking ‘activists’ who only care about disabled and other marginalized people when our stories are acceptable to the narrative they’d like to shout about.

The larger indie authors who dismiss disabled/trans authors when we ask them to please not tell people to stop buying from Amazon or or online retailers. When they say to buy direct only. Marginalized writers are disproportionately left out of publishing spaces and not picked up by publishers, and the publishing world has such a distaste in their mouths for self-published works that they just shun them all, even when they aren’t realizing it. They’re saying, “If you aren’t able to access the publishing world like me, then you do not deserve to be read or heard.”

I am tired of ‘allies.’ I’m tired of getting snapped at or shut down by ‘allies’ who claim to be an ally because it makes them feel good. I’m tired of not being more angry about it because when we finally get angry about these things, we’re ignored because, ‘Oh, dear, they’re having another meltdown on main, better just scroll past ‘cause YIKES.’

Yes I’m fucking melting down! Yes many of us are melting down because all of you are making us go fucking insane! Mask up when you’re sick if you’re a leftist. Share posts of disabled and trans folks, and marginalized people asking for aid. Do something other than pull up your soap box, step up, clear your throat, yell for a few minutes, and then step back down like you’ve fulfilled your allotted time for community service of allyship.

If you are an activist, do more doing than talking. Donate to charities. Donate to marginalized people’s requests for aid. Speak up if you hear anti-trans or ableist rhetoric, or racist rhetoric, or just… anything. Do anything at all.

Your profile descriptions about all the allyship boxes you fit in and your ‘kindness always’ stuff is nice, but you need to put action forth. If all you’re doing is saying a lot of things that sound nice for brownie points, but not even doing the bare minimum of sharing marginalized folks’ books, posts about their art, or their posts about asking for aid, you are not an ally. You just want a pat on the back so you can feel good about yourself.

And that’s the shitty thing about leftist ‘online activism.’ It’s good, but it often doesn’t translate to real-life action (calling your senators, sending them letters, donating to those in need). Often though, many allies use it as a lazy replacement for actually doing anything to truly help in the real world. Or they tear apart everyone on our own side for not being perfectly aligned with every single bullet point of ideals that they personally have. Discourse. There is always discourse that drowns out the people who need their work shared so they can afford medication. The people these allies say they advocate for; they’re drowning in you all arguing aimlessly with each other about things that ultimately go nowhere.

But I digress. I’m pissed. I’m not an attractive ideal disabled trans person that gets heard. I’m fat, homebound, and a transmasculine enby person, part of a group online who get ignored and shut down the most. I’m messy and I’m severely mentally ill and chronically ill. I try my best to balance my posts with positive things, or supporting others in the best ways I can because I actually give a shit about people. But it feels like a formula I have to constantly keep track of because if I suffer too much, it might be ‘too much’ for some people.

Try living on $967 a month, and then after paying all your bills and you have like $300 left in the bank, buy household necessities that need to be restocked. You’re down to $200 for the month now, and your food stamps isn’t refilled until the 4th. You have to get food for a few days. Then your food stamps are refilled with $245, and you have to make that stretch for an entire month while largely struggling to cook for yourself, so to get enough nutrition, you have to buy TV dinners and ready-made meals, which are pricier.

You might risk buying a $30 game for the month just to keep yourself as sane as possible. And then that completely screws you over. That one thing that you’re crying inside about not having because you never get to have or do anything anymore. And you have to fear talking about having that one thing because then people will berate you for spending money on something frivolous so it’s your own fault you’re short.

I am genuinely surprised I am not dead. I’m not saying that to be shocking, I mean it. I’ve suffered various traumas because of some extremely shitty people, and I’ve developed illnesses that I was often forced to push through. “You’re faking anxiety for attention.” “You’re not really sick, it’s just your anxiety.” “You’re too young to be exhausted.” “If your mother and I can push ourselves past our limits at work, then you can go to work sick.” “You missed a day of work because you were ‘melting down?’ You’re a loser, you’re nothing, you’re a failure and you’ll always fail. You just want us to feel bad for you so stop crying.”

So yeah. I’m angry. I’m tired of seeing the worst of people. I’m tired of the fake allyship, the selfish allyship that benefits only said allies. I’m tired of my pain being dismissed or blamed on me when I’ve done my best to be the able-bodied person society expects, at the expense of disabling myself to the point I’m stuck at home. Society’s able-bodied standards were killing me. They still are.

Let us be angry. Don’t shut us out no matter how uncomfortable our anger makes you. You need to understand it, to hear it. Then you might have a better idea of what being an ally looks like.

©2025 Shane Blackheart