PTSD trigger; round... something

A few months ago, I had a severe enough PTSD trigger that my mind and body reacted like it was fresh trauma, and I have no memory of that month. I have bits and pieces of the moment itself. It was when maintenance arrived too early while I was in the shower, and they banged for several minutes at a time, repeatedly, on my house windows and on my door without stopping. I went into fight or flight as they yelled, and I dissociated most of the day. My health declined afterward and I've become very sick from stress.

Today, as I was still dealing with nausea but, thankfully, my heartburn was letting up, a similar trigger happened again. I started hearing loud noises around my house, like someone was banging on the walls or underneath in the cellar, and upstairs in my neighbor's apartment there was a ton of noise as well, but no one had gone upstairs that I'd heard. A car was parked close to the porch and disturbing, loud screaming music was on blast. The person knocked on my door several times before I heard more loud noises.

I immediately started recording with my phone and went into panic mode. Should I call the cops? Is someone trying to break in? Is it just another stupid prank kids are pulling? My heart was hammering and I felt sick, and I hid in the corner of my bathroom waiting for silence.

I ended up covering all of my windows with curtains and placing black construction paper over the little square windows on my doors. I am now sitting in darkness despite there still being light outside. I'm terrified and I don't want to turn on the light in case someone sees I'm home.

I noticed the neighbors were preparing for a bonfire outside as I put the curtains up. I truly hope it isn't the same group that harassed me when I first moved in here. I had a friend over at the time, and someone came screaming toward my window and stood right against it, yelling and looking in at us and then ran off laughing. The next day, I almost fell down the stairs because they'd tucked a thick branch on my steps so I'd trip. I didn't know these people. I'd just moved in.

I am worried that they've seen me wearing dresses and skirts sometimes. I'm nonbinary trans masculine, but they think I'm a cis man. The last place I lived was awful too, my neighbor's friends tried to hit me with their car while I was walking down the sidewalk.

I'm so tired of living in fear. I'm tired of people fucking with me. I just want to be left alone, and I leave people alone. Even the cops harassed me when I moved in here because their dogs came to my house looking for someone who'd ran through my yard.

I'm just a disabled person with PTSD and a panic disorder. I stay home and keep to myself. I don't bother anyone. I don't understand why people keep bothering me. I just want to get out of here and live somewhere I feel safe.

©2024 Shane Blackheart