freight train

Content warning; this poem has a theme of sexual abuse & CSA.

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i got hit by a freight train and i’m walking with broken bones my mind’s hazy and i never came back but i’m reliving all of the shit that put me on the track tell me where he touched you was it your daddy too or was it not quite that thing certainly not the worst thing but it was close enough to that thing as i stood half naked and he was in a drunken stupor it was just a conversation at fifteen where he asked me “did your boyfriend make you come?” and how boys touch themselves and girls do too and it was just a little peek just a quick little thing to be sure mom didn’t know my boyfriend might have given me an std “just put the pillow over your face” it’ll be over soon and it wasn’t that thing wasn’t quite that thing but it still felt like that thing as my skin crawled and i sank into the bed and i wanted to vomit daddy’s not a doctor but daddy knows best and daddy was saved by jesus while i burned in hell and rotted slowly in heresy simply for having a vagina but that never happened they always say you only remember the bad things they say their lives were fucked up too and they weathered their storms while mine is a ghost in my head “just get over it” they say while they cry and feign ignorance why when i recall the past does my body light up with lust assaulting me again as i lie awake and i lie with the shame with the feelings i do not want as if daddy and my boyfriend crawled into my veins and drew it out again and again and again violating me again they poisoned my blood so i cut open the vein and i bleed out the toxin every time i remember i am hit by a freight train and i am trapped on the tracks with broken bones and i wonder if i’d been hit at all or if it was all in my head just as they tell me it’s all in my head

©2023 Shane Blackheart