The truth about psychosis

Content warning; brief mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts.

⸸ ⸸ ⸸

I have one foot in reality and one foot in psychosis.

Through learning self-awareness over the greater part of my life since I was a kid with mental illnesses, I learned to question my psychotic episodes and I recognized them more and more, even if it was after the fact. I'd always been a harm to myself in those states, and I still can be, but at 33, I've developed a new relationship with them.

I've turned it into a philosophy venture. I recognize the psychotic symptoms while also exploring them to give them greater meaning. I've joked to myself often that I don't need psychedelics or illegal drugs to trip into a different state of mind, and I've even recognized some symptoms I have in people who take illegal substances.

I remember the first time I came to that realization. I stumbled across a video on YouTube about illegal drug use, and I learned about the different experiences people had when being taken away by them. It chilled me to the bone because I already experience some of that in my own brain that has never taken an illegal substance. That equally fascinated me.

I have also learned to love my altered states, as I call them. I've ventured into spiritual places where ancient beings — mostly comprised of shadows — dwell and have since before the creation of everything. I've turned something I struggle with into something fascinating, and I let it take me away if the episode isn't one of the completely miserable ones.

Sometimes, I can't spin it into something interesting like a good trip. Dissociation is an uncomfortable beast and during some dissociative episodes, I've seen my alters and spirit guides standing around me like someone made of flesh and bone, just like you or me. It's jarring, and while they've helped me through the bad days and we have a deeper connection of love, something like that is always startling.

Learning to question everything has led me to be able to explore my natural altered states much better and more fully. I do often worry about the things I write during those moments, and I know how they sound. Most of them are on this blog. Sometimes it's word salad. Sometimes it looks like the musings of someone who's lost their mind. But it's no longer negative to me. The positive aspect is that I'm creating something interesting out of all of it. The only negative aspect is worrying about what others will think.

"They're fucking insane." "What in the hell are they on?" "Are they okay?" Or complete avoidance.

My lucid nightmares, sleep paralysis episodes, and spiritual journeys in complete lucidity have given some kind of meaning to my life. Instead of fearing what others think, or how batshit others might think I am, it's giving me something greater than my trauma to ponder. It's made my life interesting, despite the times when it really is more of a hindrance.

I do have my bad days when nothing seems worth it. The psychotic depressions brought on by PTSD can be brutal, and I've spent moments staring at my blood dripping into a bathroom sink from self-harm. I've stared at the medications in my cabinet for way too long, wondering if they would finally take my pain away if I just made the split decision to down one of them. The years of repeated and unbelievable amounts of trauma I've survived get so heavy, and I'm not sure if I can carry all of this weight some days. Since I was a small child, it's all formed who I am, and I don't know who I am without it.

Then there are the psychotic episodes that take me away to somewhere else. Voids full of shadow beings who give me wisdom, hold rituals to bring me dark peace, and show me Eldritch horrors that fascinate me when I come back. Sometimes I willingly venture into these otherworld voids through meditation, because it sure as hell is more interesting than being locked inside my house with agoraphobia — a crippling fear of the world outside.

My psychotic symptoms have taken many forms throughout the years, and when I was a child and young adult they were the most concerning. I won't mention more than that, but now, while they are disabling, I've shaped them into something that gives my life meaning.

Not a greater purpose, of course. I feel we're egotistical if we think humans have a grander purpose in this world. There are beings much greater than us who watch on, only revealing themselves to those of us with open minds who are willing to listen and not fear them. Those of us who can peer into these voids and see the most primal of ancient beings and worlds are only able to observe them. Not for a greater purpose, but just to simply explore beyond the boundaries of what most people live in as reality.

I have a lot theories and beliefs I've brought back from spiritual ventures. Many are reminiscent of ideas of reincarnation in other cultures, and I've even had a vivid dream about where people may go in the in-between. It was a false world like this one, only it's, well, false. It's the only thing humans are capable of recreating after death, and personally, I feel we're too self-important if we really think we're grand enough to go to a Heaven or a Hell, a place for angels and demons.

These are just my theories and experiences. I'm not right or wrong. Mileage will always differ. It's just one way I've turned my alternate view of the world into something with meaning. Something to make this life worth it.

Many back away or show fear when they hear the word 'psychosis.' And arguably, many have no clue what it actually means, or that in a majority of cases, someone with psychotic symptoms is more a danger to themselves than anyone else.

People think of American Psycho, which makes me lose all energy, honestly. The media often portrays people like me as dangerous murderers, or something else in a horror film. The other experience I have of being plural, or someone on the DID spectrum, has also been painted with a horrible broad brush by media as well, and with the same idea. Dangerous. Villains. Scary. Crazy.

In reality, psychotic symptoms are just that, symptoms. Psychosis isn't technically a diagnosis — the last I've read up on it. It's a cluster of symptoms that cause delusions, detachments from reality, and other things that can be extremely overwhelming or disturbing for the person experiencing them. We can learn to live with it, and those who actually do mean harm to others are very small in number, just like anyone else really.

There are people who have no mental health diagnoses who just snap. There is the call of the void, or 'l'appel du vide' that mentally healthy people experience, which is an intrusive thought to just jump off of a bridge or cliff, or drive off the side of the road and cause an accident.

Basically, generalizing is bad, and anyone in any state of mind is capable of pretty much anything. People like to single out targets that are easy to sensationalize, such as mental illnesses that cause behaviors that seem strange to others. The media likes to turn strange, weird, and different into villain, 'psychopath' (ugh), and horror movie monster.

We are not monsters. We are not villains. We are people who may have a different view on reality, and sometimes we experience disabling symptoms that make our lives difficult. Sympathy, not fear, should be the message because I can tell you with all honesty, the way the media falsely portrays my diagnoses just exhausts me and makes me scared to even talk about my experiences. I don't want people to fear me. I'm a timid bunny rabbit on most days who flees at the first sense of danger, and sometimes on my worst days, I'll growl but I don't bite.

There have been days when I see yet another villain in media as having DID or psychotic symptoms, or another bad portrayal for shocker value, and it triggers my depression and makes it hard to want to exist. If this is how society views people like me, then why even try? Why try to fight against someone's beloved movie that they don't even question?

If there is anything I want anyone to take away from this, if anyone reads it, it's to do your own research. Don't believe the popular media as representation of us. Remember that we are human beings and we are just trying to get through the day and survive like everyone else, and a majority of us just want to be left alone. And weird does not have to mean bad or dangerous. Weird, to me, is a label I wear proudly, and the kind of weird that makes up who I am is no more dangerous than the rabbit I feel like.

©2022 Shane Blackheart