Self-harm addiction

Content warning; self-harm (cutting), and domestic abuse.

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I started self-harming in early high school, likely my freshman year. It's hard to remember now, but when I was about sixteen I caused the worst injury to my arm for the first time. I was in an abusive relationship with a guy who enjoyed my pain.

Brainwashing, manipulation, demanding my passwords so he could delete messages from my loved ones to make what he said true; he was the only one who loved me, I’d be all alone otherwise. He hit me several times and coerced me into sex when I didn't want it. He cheated before my eyes and called it a loyalty test.

It all happened during my formative years. It resulted in a PTSD diagnosis, and I carried with me the behavior of self-harm he taught me to use for pleasure. I was depressed whenever I'd self-harm, but it wasn't always with suicidal intentions. I got good at hiding it, and wearing hoodies in the middle of summer was accepted because I was a Goth.

Jokes were all over the place about scene/alternative culture then, and if you cut, you were either made fun of or called an 'emo' or a 'cutter.' It was a joke to teenagers in the early 2000s, and it further led to me telling almost no one and hiding it beneath my favorite black The Crow hoodie.

Even to this day, I can't break the habit, and it’s an addiction not many talk about. When we think of addiction, we think of illegal substances or prescription pills that went too far, or over-use of alcohol and cigarettes.

Self-harm can become an addiction on par with these things, and I didn't know that until I started seeing my current psychiatric nurse. I thought it wasn't an addiction at all, just something that I did when I was depressed, and it had become a habit due to living through continued abuse at home as I grew older. It was the best way sometimes to let the emotions out rather than sit and feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, when I feel empty and void of all emotion, it's to feel something.

This addiction interrupts summers. I remain clean for a time before I do it again, usually during a breakdown or when symptomatic without other alternatives. I stopped smoking, I stopped abusing alcohol, I quit abusing benzos, and I'm trying to stop binge-eating. I end up having to wear long sleeves in the summer, which can get hot fast when you’re on certain psych medications that make you sweat too much. I never buy medical supplies to prepare in advance because the goal is to quit, so I felt that keeping first aid kits around would only enable me.

I've gone for over a hundred days at a time without doing it. In the I Am Sober app on my phone, I track my moods every day, if I stuck to my pledge to quit, and what I did that day. Lately, my stretches of being clean are getting smaller, and for the first time in a while, I only managed about six to seven days before I did it again today. Back to zero.

At this point, I feel like it's probably safer to have a first aid kit around. This will continue to happen for the foreseeable future, and I may as well have the proper supplies to prevent complications.

The treatment for this addiction is to just… stop. But I think everyone knows it's not that easy. With that in mind, it’s good to provide information about how to stay safe; not to enable, but in the case of a crisis.

This is not meant to encourage the habit, nor is it meant to be an excuse to harm if you're trying to stop. This information is solely for the purpose of keeping you safe in the event it happens, but this isn't guaranteed to stop any bad infections, or worse consequences. The best safety method is to not do it at all. I will list other coping methods next.

How to care for injuries:

• Do not use anything dirty. Sanitize what you use. Alcohol pads will help in multiple ways.
• Immediately get cold water on the injuries. It will help to slow bleeding.
• Wash with soap and wrap with gauze. If there is no gauze, double up paper towels and wrap them around your arm and apply pressure.
• Wait until the bleeding stops. Let it air out a bit to dry. If bleeding doesn’t slow or stop after a few minutes, please get to an emergency medical center, you may need stitches. Don’t neglect blood loss! If you’ve lost a lot of blood, get to an emergency medical center as soon as possible.
• If bleeding and injuries were minor, continue to wash every day until injuries scab over. Watch for any signs of infection.
• Keep some Neosporin or other antibacterial ointment on hand in case something looks a bit off, such as increased redness around injuries or itching.
• If you suspect an infection that's growing (such as yellow or green around the injuries, pus, or they become hot and red), or you made too deep of an injury, please seek immediate medical help! Deep injuries can result in a lot of blood loss and some serious infections. You do not want to mess with blood diseases or sepsis, as that could cause the loss of a limb. Hence why it’s better to find other coping mechanisms and work toward not injuring yourself.

Things to do instead of self-harming:

• Slap bracelets.
• Wear rubber bands and snap yourself with them if you get the urge.
• Tattoo markers. Be sure any markers are skin-safe or specifically made for body art. Drawing on your skin can help.
• If you're of age and can afford it, getting actual professional tattoos can be very healing while sating the beast, so to speak. They also may discourage self-harm so you won't ruin an expensive tattoo. (An important note; never do tattoos on yourself! Do not buy the tattoo kits you see online, as those can result in serious infections.)
• Get a professional body piercing. (Again, do not pierce yourself! That can lead to a serious infection.)
• Choose to go on a walk instead. Get away from the triggers.
• Get rid of any items you use to harm with. If any items are necessary for other daily life stuff, consider replacing them with less dangerous alternatives, like an electric razor to shave with rather than anything with exposed blades.

Please seek out a therapist if you don't have one already. If there is anyone in your life — online friends count, too — who you can call or message when you are struggling, contact them and ask if they are able to listen or help distract you. Be sure to respect their boundaries.

If you're genuinely struggling and nothing is helping, or your moods are consistently dark and you feel like a danger to yourself, don't hesitate to call a crisis line or go to a nearby mental health hospital. If you are transgender and/or nonbinary, there is a trans lifeline you can call, and if you’re an LGBTQ+ minor, you can contact The Trevor Project.

Ultimately, the goal is recovery, but it helps to know how to keep yourself as safe as possible while still dealing with urges. I'm not a doctor and am not giving medical advice, but a person who has dealt with this addiction since I was a teenager and has learned a lot in my time in therapy.

Whatever you're going through, don't be ashamed. Life hurts sometimes, and we can't beat ourselves up for doing things that seem right at the time, even if they're harmful to us. All we can do is recognize it's harmful, and we have to understand that stopping totally is the safest and best outcome. Until then, a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time.

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Disclaimer; I am not a medical professional, and I am not qualified to give medical advice. I have mentioned things that work for me, and have passed on advice I’ve been given from my therapists. Your mileage may vary, so please contact a psychiatrist or a therapist if you have any questions. If you think you may have a life-threatening infection, or you are an immediate danger to yourself or others and require emergency help, don’t hesitate to call 911 in the USA. If you are in another country, here is a list of every emergency line around the world.

©2022 Shane Blackheart